Thanks and goodbye

Thank you for coming and looking at the Armchair Pollies tumblr. I hope you enjoyed the bits and piece you found here.

The shows were a great success but now they’re over and I won’t be posting here anymore.

This tumblr will sit in digital purgatory until the end-of-the-digital-world when the tumblrs and sheep will be sorted from the tumblrs about goats.

Vote early. Vote often.

Alan

SO-CALLED COMEDIANS ENDORSE FORCED GAY MARRIAGE AND ANIMAL NECROPHILIA.

This review of my new show Armchair Pollies is by Australia’s most popular conservative columnist, Piers-Andrew Boltbrechtsen.

SO-CALLED COMEDIANS ENDORSE FORCED GAY MARRIAGE AND ANIMAL NECROPHILIA.

By Piers-Andrew Boltbrechtsen.

Here are some indisputable facts about Paul Keating: he was responsible for the death of millions of Cambodians in government-run death camps; he spent the First World War dressed as a woman spying for the Germans; he forced Queensland to adopt Sharia Law; he killed all Australia’s koalas using a death ray made out of children’s eyeballs and he invented homosexuals.

However if you attended the so-called comedy show Armchair Pollies on Friday night you would have not thought Paul Keating responsible for any such atrocities. Indeed the audience – largely made up of sex addicts and bookshop owners – seemed happy to support the notion Paul Keating’s notion that all Australian pensioners should be forced into gay marriages.

Compare and contrast the hate-filled, fetid tirades which were the main feature of Armchair Pollies with the wonderful life-affirming humour at the Australian Christian Lobby comedy show I attended last week: ‘Laughs Against Fags’.

Host of Armchair Pollies and former ABC ‘entertainer’ Alan Brough didn’t stray far from the I-hate-the-average-Australian-because-they’re-not-a-boat-person-or-petrol-sniffer rhetoric of these events for fear of upsetting the mullahs of hate at the ABC who use our taxes to release unflattering talking books about Weary Dunlop and interview women who have waxed their public hair into the shape of Kim Beazley.

Brough had drunk from the poisoned Keep Cup of Labor/Green’s policy as had all the other ‘comedians’ onstage. If you read my column last Sunday entitled ‘The Green’s Want To Pass A Law Forcing You To Have Oral Intercourse With Adam Bandt’ you know that The Greens want to give militant homosexuals the right to come into our houses and stop us eating roast beef. They’ll force us to send our children to special schools where they’ll be required to take suppositories of heroin and wear lactose-free uniforms. But those facts were conveniently ignored by the imams of scatology who were arrayed to ‘entertain’ the audience at Armchair Pollies.

Armchair Pollies is billed as a satirical politics quiz.

Armchair Pollies was neither satirical nor a quiz. It seemed, simply, a way for the chattering classes to encourage children to have sex with deceased mallard ducks.

It is no surprise that Melbourne’s auditorium of filth the Trades Hall was the venue for this sleaze-a-pollozza. I hoped that the ‘performance’ would be stopped by police who had every reason in the world to strip search everyone in the place.

But, of course, all those who attended Armchair Pollies to bray along with the communist dogma which passes for comedy at these events are against forced police strip searches.

I didn’t die in the war so the police couldn’t strip search whoever they like. There was some fuss made recently by the Hezzbollah-backed pornographers at The Age about a 12 year old being strip-searched. Well I say that it is only a small step from stopping 12 year olds being strip searched to Australia becoming an Islamic state where journalists are pecked to death by specially trained ravens. What’s wrong with being strip searched at the age of 12? What have 12 year olds got to hide? When I was 12 I had nothing up my bottom that shouldn’t have been there. I would have had no problem with being stripped and probed. The Government should pass a law that anyone can be probed at anytime and not be able to complain. The government gives us schools, hospitals and new tool boxes for apprentices so they should be allowed to stick their fingers up our bottoms as they so please. But the modesty mullahs at The Sydney Morning Herald would have you believe that the government doesn’t own our bottoms. That someone sticking their fingers up our anuses somehow contravenes ‘privacy laws.’ Well I say to all those coloured-contact-lens-wearing-bisexual-civil-libertarian-pederasts that when all the terrorists are defeated then the government can stop sticking their fingers in our derrieres. Until that time bend over and let’s see your condoms full of hate books. 

Overall I found Armchair Pollies relatively enjoyable.

3 ½ stars.

The first ever performance of Armchair Pollies ended with a middle-aged woman body-slamming a young man.

This is how it happened.

7.30pm: The premiere of Armchair Pollies commences.

7.31 pm: In response to the statement, ‘Good evening ladies and gentlemen’ a drunk middle-aged woman – let’s call her Mary - yells, ‘Pull my finger!’

7.40 pm: Casey Bennetto explains there is no such thing as climate change because ‘sex waft’ from couples making sweet, sweet love at midnight has forming a protective layer over the earth.

7.41 pm: Mary yells ‘Pull my finger!’

7.43 pm: Meshel Laurie admits that the amount of fluffing her Nana does after a meal of Honey Chicken is significantly adding to global warming.

7.48 pm: Mary yells ‘Pull my finger!’

8.15 pm: Interval.

8.35 pm: Michael Williams exhibits a remarkable ability to ‘break a question into two parts’ and then not answer either of the parts.

8.40 pm: Mary yells ‘Pull my finger!’

8.47 pm: Toby Sullivan get confused as to whether Star Wars takes place in the past or the future.

8.48 pm: Mary puts him right by yelling ‘Pull my finger.’

9.07 pm: Armchair Pollies concludes.

9.08 pm: Mary celebrates by asking a young man named Tom to pull her finger.

9.09 pm: Tom refuses.

9.10 pm: Mary unfavourably compares Tom to a vagina. Tom suggests that Mary might also be a vagina.

9.11 pm: Mary tries to punch Tom.

9.12 pm: Mary falls over.

9.13 pm: Tom laughs.

9.14 pm: While getting up Mary suggests that Tom is a Liberal-voting vagina.

9.15 pm: Mary pushes Tom to the ground.

9.16 pm: Tom laughs.

9.17 pm: Mary body-slams Tom. An onlooker compares the scene to a cross between the World Wrestling Federation and an Australia Pensioner’s Insurance ad.

9.18 pm: While she keeps Tom pinned to the ground Mary suggests Tom’s is a vagina which is curious about dogs.

9.19 pm: Tom laughs.

9.20 pm: Mary recommends that Tom accompany her outside.

9.21 pm: Tom continues laughing. Mary goes outside. She invites all other vaginas in the bar to accompany her as well.

9.22 pm: While Mary waits outside for Tom she explains to passers-by that she is not scared of any vagina.

9.30 pm: Tom leaves through the back door.

9.31 pm – now: Mary explains to passers-by she is waiting for a cowardly vagina to come out and face her like a man’s vagina.

She’s still there. I checked.

Armchair Pollies is on again this Friday 10th August.

Armchair Pollies: come for the hilarious quiz, stay for the old ladies fighting.

Breaking news – there are only 26 tickets left for Friday’s show. Up on the right-hand side of this post is a link to book tickets.

Please do book. It beats not booking.

FIVE REASONS YOU SHOULD COME TO ARMCHAIR POLLIES.

Armchair Pollies is a satirical politics quiz featuring great guests and hosted by Alan Brough.

It’s starts on Friday August 3rd in Melbourne.

FIVE REASONS YOU SHOULD COME TO ARMCHAIR POLLIES.

1. THE BAR: Armchair Pollies is happening in a bar. What better place to go after a long, hard week at work. Hey, how about ordering a rum and coke. I know that the last time you drank rum and coke you were 15 and you spewed on Shirley Dravitzki’s bed. Get over it. Shirley has moved to Perth. You’ll have to spew pretty hard to hit her bed over there. Just order the rum and coke.

2. THE FACTS: You’ll come away from your night at Armchair Pollies armed with a whole bunch of fascinating facts. For instance, did you know that the Federal treasurer Wayne Swan and Paris Hilton share something in common? Neither of them wear underpants to work. Also, you may not know that Mallard ducks are fond of a spot of homosexual necrophilia. I don’t think the two things are related.

3. THE GUESTS: Some of Australia’s funniest and smartest people are going to be appearing on Armchair Pollies. This Friday you’ll see Meshel Laurie – who was on Spicks and Specks and does Drive on NOVA FM – and Casey Bennetto who wrote the musical Keating!

4. THE PRICE: Tickets are only $12. That’s less than the price of four cups of coffee. Or exactly the same price as a cup-of-coffee which costs $12. Or twice the price of a $6 cup of coffee. Or less than the price of two tins of really horrible-tasting instant coffee. At the moment you can fly to Europe for less than the price of 127,987 cups of coffee. What a bargain.

5. THE GAMES: Armchair Pollies is a quiz and that means games. My favourite at the moment is SIX DEGREES OF HITLERATION.

SIX DEGREES OF HITLERATION is a bit like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. But with Hitler.

In SIX DEGREES OF HITLERATION I’ll give a starting point and you have to get from that starting point to Hitler in just six steps.

Here’s an example.

The starting point might be kittens. 

So you have to get from kittens to Hitler in just six steps.

Easy.

1. Kittens.

2. Balls of wool.

3. Warm jumpers.

4. Skiing.

5. Winter invasion of Russia.

6. Hitler.

It’s great fun. You should try it.

Here are some potential starting points. Get from one of these to Hitler in six steps.

Your boss.

Your boyfriend.

The Olympics. (Actually that’s too easy because Hitler held an Olympics so you don’t need six steps just two. 1. The Olympics. 2. Hitler. Not much of a challenge really.)

Chocolate.

Elmo. (Not as hard as you might, at first, think.)

Armchair Pollies is on at Bella Union in Melbourne Fridays in August.

Just look up to the right and you’ll see a link to book your tickets.

Book now to avoid not booking.

Welcome to the Armchair Pollies Place

Armchair Pollies is a satirical politics quiz that I’m hosting on Fridays during August in Melbourne.

This site has some more information about the show and some writings that will give you a flavour of what Armchair Pollies will be like might you want to come along and see it.

Scroll down. Have a browse. Or don’t. No pressure.

There is a state by-election on Saturday 21st July in the Victorian seat of Melbourne which has turned into a rancourous battle between the Labor Party and The Greens.

However Daniel Andrews – the leader of the Victorian Labor Party – appears to have other things on his mind.

The following is correspondence between Mr Andrews and Lana Dear from the San Palazzo Function Centre in Melbourne.

From: Lana Dear

Subject: Andrews’ Family Function on 21st July

Date: 3rd July 2012

To: Daniel Andrews

Dear Mr Andrews,

I am writing to inform you that, due to a clerical error, we have double-booked your upcoming family function with that of the Green family.

From: Daniel Andrews

Subject: Re: Andrews’ Family Function on 21st July

Date: 3rd July 2012

To: Lana Dear

Dear Lana,

I’m sure my family and the Green family can come to an understanding.

However, as you know, I have a rather large clan – many of whom are coming in from the suburbs - whereas I believe the Greens are rather small. Could they, perhaps, have their function somewhere else?

From: Daniel Andrews

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Andrews’ Family Function on 21st July

Date: 5th July 2012

To: Lana Dear

Dear Lana,

I am rather distressed to hear that the Green family won’t compromise and change the location of their function. As you know, my family has already changed venue a number of times.

We will not change venue again.

From: Daniel Andrews

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Andrews’ Family Function on 21st July

Date: 9th July 2012

To: Lana Dear

Dear Lana,

A cousin of mine from NSW knows the Greens and says they have some very strange ideas about parties. He tells me they actually encourage gate-crashers.

One of my uncles – who is coming in from out-of-town - has expressed great unease about this. He feels we should be able to decide who comes to our party.

I imagine you feel similarly.

From: Daniel Andrews

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Andrews’ Family Function on 21st July

Date: 15th July 2012

To: Lana Dear

Dear Lana,

The Greens have put me in a very difficult position. 

The whole NSW branch of my family are refusing to come if we have to share with the Greens and, therefore, I must insist we have our function by ourselves.

Sometimes you simply must put Family First.

As mentioned we will not consider changing venue.

From: Daniel Andrews

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Andrews’ Family Function on 21st July

Date: 16th July 2012

To: Lana Dear

Dear Lana,

After consultation with the NSW wing of the family we have decided to change venue.

The Baillieu family are having a function this Saturday and have promised to find room for us.

Perhaps you consider whether your loyalty to the Green family is harming your business.

From: Daniel Andrews

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Andrews’ Family Function on 21st July

Date: 21th July 2012

To: Lana Dear

Dear Lana,

I was interested to hear the Green family will be bringing a great deal more guests than first expected. For your sake I hope they behave themselves.

It seems our gathering is going to be much smaller than we had hoped as many of the family have decided not to come because of the constant change of venue.

Regards.

Daniel Andrews

Leader - Victorian ALP

PS. I fully support Julia Gillard as Prime Minister.

I hate The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations

When I was 11 I wanted to be a politician.

I knew three things about politicians (two of which were garnered from meeting the local MP): They wore tweed jackets with leather elbow patches; they drank lots of sherry; the really famous ones had quotes in The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations.

(The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations was first published in 1941and contains over 20,000 quotations from 3,500 authors. It claims to include ‘quotations for all occasions.’ I haven’t been involved in ‘all occasions’ so I cannot vouchsafe the validity of that claim.)

I didn’t have a tweed jacket, I didn’t like sherry (Tried it with my cousin – not a success) so there was only one option open to me. The next day I wrote my first letter to The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations.


Dear The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations,

First up let me say that your book is awesome. Who knew people said so many quotes. But really, great work everyone. It’s the best Dictionary of Quotations by some considerable length as far as I am concerned.

Therein lies my problem. You have made such a great book it is a pity you have ruined it by stealing one of my sayings – or quotes if you will – and saying that famous politician Karl Marx said it.

The quote I am referring to is, of course, ‘The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles.’

Everyone knows I said that.

A rat died in the art room at school and we couldn’t find it so we had to move everything out of that classroom and it was hard work or a struggle if you like. When I was lifting a heavy box of paints that’s when I said it. I couldn’t write it down because I was lifting a heavy box of paints. But my best friend Sean heard me say it.

If you could change that quote to say that I said it that’d be great. I am about to embark on a career in politics and would like people to know that I can say cool stuff.

Apart from that I love your book.

Love.

Alan Brough


They never replied.
However a famous politician-in-training doesn’t give up.


Dear The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations,

You have quoted me again and not said it was me.

The quote I am referring to is ‘Black is beautiful.’ You say those famous politicians the Black Panthers said it but it was actually me.

My best friend Sean and I were outside one night and it was really dark and I said it. I couldn’t write it down because it was too dark. But my best friend Sean heard me say it.

Please set this right as I am running for class president and am well ahead as I am the only one with any famous quotes.

Love.

Alan


No reply to that one either.
I did write one more letter.


Dear The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations,

Me again. Just wanted to say that the new edition of The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations is the best yet apart from one small error which I feel it behoves me to put you right on.

You say that the famous politician Winston Churchill said, ‘We shall fight on the beaches…’ when it was actually me.

Any The Dictionary of Quotations can make a mistake but I did say it. My best friend Sean was going off to the beach to have a fight and I said it then.

I couldn’t write it down because I was on the beach and there was a fight going on but my best friend Sean heard me say it.

(I don’t know who said that other stuff about fighting on landing grounds, fields, streets and hills because Sean didn’t fight on any of those places. He was knocked out at the beach and we had to take him to the hospital.)

Love is all you need. (That’s one of mine too.)

Alan Brough


I’m still waiting for a reply.

I mean, how many roads must a man walk down? (That’s another one of mine in case you’re interested.)

—————

Book tickets to Armchair Pollies - the satirical politics quiz hosted by Alan Brough at the Bella Union, Melbourne - Fridays, August 2012.

Book tickets to Armchair Pollies at Bella Union, Melbourne now! Book here

Prostitute Uses Union Credit Card To Hire Politician

Shamefully this important story hasn’t been covered by the mainstream media.

(The below article in reprinted, in full, from IAreAReliableSource.org.)

A high-ranking official from the Australian Prostitute’s Union (APU) has been accused of using her union credit card to hire politicians.

APU General Secretary Cherri La Breasts has been stood down until further notice after damming allegations against her appeared on prostitute whistle-blower website GetYourWhistleBlownHere.ru.

The accusations implicate not only Miss La Breasts but also the APU State Treasurer Miss Flo Jobs and Federal Chairwoman Miss Cheeky McBuns.

Reports suggest that La Breasts, Jobs and McBuns were drinking at a bar, regularly frequented by politicians, when La Breasts fell into a conversation with two Federal MPs who witnesses say were sitting at a prominently placed table openly reading a white paper on defence materiel acquisitions.

Miss La Breasts was seen enjoyed several drinks with the politicians before they supposedly suggested moving back to their hotel for some ‘personal lobbying’.

Bar staff say the politicians and Miss La Breasts departed quickly leaving behind them several broken promises and a half-finished discussion paper.

Apparently Miss La Breasts continued to meet the politicians over several months eventually finding herself involved in a by-election.

Miss La Breasts has released a statement insisting she did nothing wrong and that the last time she looked ‘being a politician was still legal in this country.’ (NB: Due to the non-removal of an old statute being a politician is still technically illegal in all States and Territories.)

In the statement she accuses unnamed members of a rival union the Australian Council of Sluts (ACS) of being behind the ‘baseless accusations.’ She insists the $89,000 she withdrew from ATMs using her APU credit card was not for politicians but for lube. She further states that on 4 out of 5 occasions she was supposedly with the politicians she was, actually, having anal sex with a well-hung stud.

Recently a group of Miss La Breasts’ regular clients signed a letter – published in the prostitute’s trade newspaper Open Wide – stating Miss La Breasts was ‘a top root.’

The APU have launched an investigation which is expected to report back in three weeks.

_____________________

Catch Alan Brough as host of the new live satirical politics quiz: Armchair Pollies.
7.30pm Friday nights, August 2012
Bella Union, Melbourne
Book tickets here